Why The Mighty Ducks Suck
Recently I just watched a few minutes of Disney’s “The Mighty Ducks” movie. Anyone who has read my past articles knows I'm not a fan of Disney. From their anti-union, pro-McCarthy, Nazi-sympathizing founder Walt, to their Shameless virtue signaling up until today. Disney has done some good sports movies such as “Remember the Titans” and “Glory Road” which have uplifting messages about perseverance and teamwork, however, they dropped the ball (or puck) big time with the Mighty Ducks trilogy.
The story is about Gordon Bombay,(Emilio Estevez) an attorney who gets caught drunk driving. Instead of using a legal loophole like 99.9% of lawyers would try to do, the head of the law firm decides he wants Gordon to become a Peewee hockey coach (Instead of taking cases and making money for the firm) so he can learn fair play. The problem is Gordon Bombay hates hockey because when he was a Pee Wee league player he missed the game-winning goal in the Championship. Bombay quit playing after that miss. His creepy, ultra-competitive Pee-wee league coach, Jack Rielly (Lane Smith), still coaches the same Pee-wee team, the Hawks 30+ years later.
Bombay is also given the use of the firm's limousine to drive around. Even by kids-movie standards, the plot is beyond stupid. The bad language and sexual references gave it a PG rating the same as “Remember the Titans” and “Glory Road”. I bring that up to show you can do a movie that kids can watch and the plot doesn't have to be ridiculous.
Like a lot of kids' Little League movies, the team sucks partially due to the lack of talent but mostly because they don't put forth the effort. This is a recurring theme in the Mighty Ducks trilogy. The players don't practice the correct way and they refuse to listen to the coach. Of course, the coach is the bad guy for getting angry. Midway through the movie, Bombay is talking to Jack Reilly and sarcastically says "yeah they're horrible.. they don't deserve to live”. Two of the players over-hear it causing the entire team to forfeit the game.
Bombay explains himself saying “I was being sarcastic, you guys know what sarcasm is” to which a player sarcastically responds “No” Well if you understood sarcasm why did you forfeit the game dumbasses. Apparently, two players told the entire team and it didn't occur to any of them to ask the coach. I know 11-year-olds do stupid shit, but not as much as Bombay apologizing to them as if they were justified in forfeiting the game.
Most kids love Little League and it would take a lot for the entire team to not show up, but with the Ducks it is a chore to get them to put forth any effort. There's also a great player on the rival team named Adam Banks. (who currently plays for the Hawks) Bombay finds out that he's playing for the wrong District so the adults decide next season he will play for the Ducks but Bombay decides it would be better to pull him away from his current team and friends so we can help the Ducks. For some unknown reason Bombay's law firm is discussing the issue and Bombay is willing to get fired from his law firm ( the one that is paying him to coach Pee-wee league hockey) so he can get Banks.
So Banks joins the Mighty Ducks because he has no choice and the Ducks don't trust him. This is the coach and team we’re supposed to pull for. The Ducks get to the playoffs with help from other players that they added to the team throughout the season which is totally illegal and Pee-Wee League hockey.
The Ducks win the first two playoff games mostly due to the three players they picked up off the street and the player they stole from the bad team. In the championship, the Ducks play the Hawks who injured Adam Banks in a scene which rivals the “sweep the leg” from “The Karate Kid" of course, no one really objects. Finally, the Ducks win thanks to a shot hit by Charlie, (Joshua Jackson) one of the worst players who put forth the least effort but is the son of the woman Bombay is dating. At the end of the movie, Bombay gets a tryout with a minor league hockey team due to his friendship with Basil McRae of the Minnesota North Stars. They played Peewee Hockey together and McRae saw the potential in Bombay because he coached the Pee-wee championship team.
The Movie message: The coach is an Asshole if he makes you work hard. Things will randomly work out for you not through hard work but through gimmick plays. Also, if you do well in Pee-Wee hockey going to the pros is one step away.
The sequel, D2 is even worse. Gordon Bombay and his mid-30 dominate minor league hockey even though he hasn't played since Little League and is headed to the pros until he injures his knee. Naturally, Bombay's offered a chance to coach the United States Junior Goodwill games. the United States team is mostly comprised of Mighty Duck players because they barely won the district a year before. This means that in the entire country, most of the players still come from the Mighty Ducks peewee team. Of course, the team uses gimmick plays instead of playing real hockey. Has the US team starts to struggle they pick up a few players from a street hockey team in Los Angeles, which means they don’t know how to ice skate. Then they Adam to the US team during the tournament, (once again, illegal)
Let me recap: The United States team consists mostly of Duck players and Kenan Thompson who doesn't know how to skate. through more gimmicks and illegal plays the Ducks are still losing in the final game against Iceland but in the third quarter, down three goals, the US team comes out wearing duck jerseys which the crowd cheers for, and the team of course wins.
In the third movie of this trilogy, The Mighty Ducks Pee-wee hockey team all receive scholarships to play for an elite Prep School junior varsity Eden Hall Academy. Charlie is angry because Bombay can't coach him in high school. He acts like a spoiled little shit to most of the movie because the new coach wants him to actually play hockey, showing another message is that you will play for the same Little League team your whole life and any coach who makes you do something you don't want to do is a villain.
The JV/Ducks act the same way as in the first two movies. They get in trouble at the prep school but the coach defends them. Finally, Charlie apologizes and stops acting like an ass. The JV/Ducks constantly clash with the varsity team who are better because they're older and they actually play hockey. This brings a showdown between the varsity and the JV team. They place a bet that if the JV/Ducks win the team name will be changed to the Mighty Ducks. That way they can go their whole lives never facing the horror of playing for a team with a different name. Of course, the Ducks win on gimmick hockey.
I remember when I was young and we ( my summer camp class) watched Hoosiers with Gene Hackman, a story about a small high school that won the state title. The huge difference is that the head coach instills fundamentals and when a couple of players mouth off he kicks them out of practice. One player returns with his father who tells the coach that kids get mixed up but if he has any trouble just let him know. The Hoosiers win through teamwork and fundamentals, not gimmicks.